Letting go of the old to make room for the new.

This is a long reflection piece. #SorryNotSorry < Is this still a thing?

I found this quote on IG a few days before NYE and wrote it on my mirror so that in 2019 it can be the first thing I read every morning:

My intention for 2019 is to create a life that supports
growth in the spiritual, romantic, financial, career,
personal, family, community, and wellness. . .  
And have it all be done by my own unique design.

My typical NYE plans usually involve a party with friends. But this year I had a deep calling to do something more personal and decided to stay home to perform a “letting go” ritual.

I wanted to honor 2018 in a way that allowed for grieving and forgiveness.

Like all energy, the love within us must be recycled. I felt a burning need to let old love go so that I can make room for new love to grow.

This ritual is a remix of different cleansing rituals that can be found online. For me, I grabbed my notebook, sage, a bowl of water, fallen leaves from my mom’s plant room, a few drops of lavender, and sprinkled magical powders of serenity and purity that I purchased from my favorite shop in Oakland, The Raven’s Wing Magical co.

After placing everything on the table, I had Above and Beyond playing in the background and switched off the lights to write by candlelight.

Dear 2018,

I felt so much pain.
And so I listed all of the hurt that I felt.


I felt so much joy. 
And then I listed all of the moments, places, and people that brought me this joy.

After the reflection, a release appeared in the form of one of those powerful beautiful ugly cries. You know, the kind where you’re howling at the bullshit and the finding yourself deeply breathing in new air. Yup, that’s letting go and making room in your body for the new.

After the tears, I wrote a separate letter to 2019 listing new hopes and dreams. At midnight, I burned both letters over the bowl of water. Then I poured the water under a tree in my backyard because I wanted to take burying 2018 and planting 2019 hopes and dreams very literally.

After this ritual, I was reminded of these beautiful words from my beautiful soul-sister, Lauren Ito – Tears do water the seeds of transformation within us.

With tears, I thanked 2018 for bringing me one step closer to my truest self and towards living my most authentic life. I am grateful for all the challenges, lessons, and losses that I experienced in my professional and personal life, including the loss of a deep love and the end of my California dreams.

Here are some of the old love that I decided to let go in order to make room for new love in 2019. With gratitude, I let go and forgive so that I can continue to grow:

  • I let Haylee and Ryan go. I let go of any cosmic wishes, shared futures and daydreams attached to that infinity. I feel an abundance of love and gratitude for the ending of Haylee and Ryan. For every loss I felt about the breakup, there were always something to gain from being free. In big and small ways, and in ways that felt tragically ironic, there were gentle reminders from the universe that she will always take care of me. She will return any amount of love I’ve lost back to me in the form of heartwarming encounters with new people and experiences. I forgive him and I forgive myself. I forgive our shadows because I know that at our core, we just wanted so deeply to give and radiate love. I release this in order to make room for all the love that I can’t wait to give and receive in 2019.

  • I let go of Bay Area Haylee. Bay Area Haylee was someone who I couldn’t get to know very well growing up in Boston as she could have only blossom in the free-spirited soil of Northern California. But I had always felt her alive in me desperately wanting to show herself. For three years, she lived freely exploring the Bay in ways that opened her mind, body, and soul. But now I let go of any attachments to her life and what her life could be like if she was still there with her chosen family — the community of ravers, dancers, organizers, writers, healers and artists that she loves so deeply. I let go of resentment I feel towards myself for not doing better in protecting the dreams of Bay Area Haylee and Future Haylee. I release this to make room for the multiverse inside of me. To honor the Haylee that is multidimensional and multifaceted so that she can work harder and clearer toward a bigger dream that aligns closer to her highest self. 

  • I let go of separating my identity in order to serve or protect the fragility of others. I am someone who has a wide-range of interests and hobbies that doesn’t always fit in a single box. I have many different circles of friends! This is a gift but also a curse because it can sometimes feel like I’m living a thousand secret lives. Certain friend groups just don’t understand the lifestyle of the other and since I live on the edges of all these groups, I have found myself sometimes afraid to show up in these spaces as my whole-self. I feared being judged for some of my interests and passions by people who do not want to take the time to understand them. But this fear does not serve me. I am no longer separating truths just to make someone else feel comfortable. It is not my job to make someone else understand the things that bring me joy. It is their job to decide whether or not they want to love me for my entire being. All I can do moving forward is become an open book, bring my entire whole true self into these spaces, and accept any reactions I receive with love and grace. I release this to give room to the fierce and fearless Lao American woman storyteller, creative, community organizer, healer, raver and dancer who have the privilege of calling two beautiful coastal cities my home.
  • I let go of judgement. In order to nurture friendships and strengthen relationships with good-hearted people who might not always share the same lifestyle, politics, interests or passions, I honor our common ground. Knowing that I am the connector of passionate people who want to make this world a more loving and safer place, I have a responsibility to build bridges and to not burn them. I release old assumptions about division to make room for everyone who share a common desire in creating a better reality — one where people feel truly safe to live as free souls. A world where love is shown when we show up responsibly as citizens of this planet. A world where love is created by dance, music, writing, community building, art and vulnerable storytelling. So much gratitude for the network of amazing people who inspires me to dedicate my life to building and creating with love.
  • Lastly, I let go of my search for home. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, home has always been a hard concept to feel. Because of this, I had searched for home in the heart of other people, places, and things. But I need to let this go. That feeling of home, love and safety is not external. It is within me. After almost 10 years of codependency, I let go of the idea that finding peace, safety, and comfort must come from external forces. I release this so that I can make room for the home that harbors my soul’s true purpose. So that I can build a home and a life where this vessel can feel safe and free.

My intention for 2019 is to create a life that supports
growth in the spiritual, romantic, financial, career,
personal, family, community, and wellness. . .  
And have it all be done by my own unique design.

Happy New Year! Wishing you an abundance of everything your heart desires.

Wow, you made it all the way down here. Thank you for reading. I hope this was informative or helpful.

With love,

Haylee

Ps: here’s a photo of me stepping into 2019 with the first sunrise!


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