I am not a machine

 I am here to live.  Here to be.  I am nature. 
 I am a light in the universe.

In my last post for World Mental Health Day, I wrote about my mother’s attempted suicide and then I went silent for almost three months. I can give you the usual excuse, life happens — work, grad school applications, and general mood swings but what I would rather do is use this time to reinforce how important it is to honor our journey, encourage everyone to be more gentle with their bodies, and reflect a little bit more about my own body.

Like a lot of you, I’m tired.

We live in a system that expects us to produce 24/7. We have become a results driven society — the people who do ALL the things.   

Will we ever be okay to take a day off and just do nothing?

How many of us take a vacation from work to just fill it with a laundry list of things that we need accomplish in our private lives? At the end of our vacation, most of us head back to work needing another vacation.

This is not okay.

It is starting to feel impossible to take real breaks, to rest, reflect, and recharge. I didn’t realize how much I would miss hearing the rhythm of my own breath until I have not heard it after a long day of errands. 

I am always guilty of taking on too much, diving into passion projects and then stretching myself too thin. So of course, my body begins to suffer and my health deteriorates.  

Lately, I started to wonder why I treat my body so poorly. Where did I learn in my past to not listen to my body when it was in pain?  Why do I expect this vessel to perform like a machine? Part of this is certainly from societal expectations and messages. But the other part is much more personal — growing up with an abusive and controlling parent had distorted my relationship to my body. I never felt like my body was mine because for a long time it felt like my mother was the one who had total control of it. And she often she made it very clear through specific actions who was the one in charge.

In my next blog post, I will talk a little bit more about my childhood experience with physical abuse. Trigger warning. Tend to your gentle heart if you decide to continue reading.  Please opt out if you have to.

Leave a Reply